Drug-Addled Zombies

By Steven Hoelscher, Staff Writer
6/19/2008

The city of Van Buren has recently lost its sobriety with myriad drug-addled zombies roaming the streets and alleys. With this addition of an altered state of consciousness, Van Buren faces a multitude of drug-related crimes that detract from the luminance and brilliance of the city. To combat this growing problem, the citizens are calling for a change in government, hoping to wage war on the army of zombies. (Unfortunately, we cannot unleash our unrestricted guns on them.) The mayor and the council members need to be aware of the crimes that arise from the possession and use of drugs, which in and of itself is a crime.

Drugs cost money; drug-addled zombies cannot hold a job to obtain money. Obviously, a problem arises from this confliction, such as an increase in stealing and violence to get their avaricious hands on these holy hallucinogens. Perhaps one can accuse me of ignorance, for I do not understand the purpose of attaining this high. Is one’s life so lackluster that he or she needs to enter a psychedelic realm? Clearly, the inebriated stupor of drug-use dulls the pain of the boring life in Van Buren.

I’m not a mayor or a member of the council, so I cannot enact legislation; however, I have one simple message for all of the heroin-junkies, potheads, and crack addicts out there: put down the joints and find a job; maybe then we can curb our jaw-dropping unemployment rate.

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